Notes i wrote some year about the phenomena of Sexual Attractionon
[This took a long time for me to come up with on my own, and i really do think it would be a shame to just not post it... so here is a personal journal on lust]
"You do a lot of fantasizing about different fantastic expectations that are ingrained in your idea of what it would be like to have a relationship with a girl/girlfriend/ wife/ romantic lover/soul mate/ perfect lover…. And well. All of it is pretty much jack shit. And you end up projecting this prospect into your emotions and thoughts and in turn project further into your expressions and actions(and sometimes makes it to the communication court) and in the end it translates delusional personality. This delusion, it definitely holds a place in your mind. And this is bad. Very very bad.
Because the fact is; You have fundamentally altered the reality of your present place at its originating point of thought. That is your mind. The place that your mind starts out at.
And when your eyes, shooting stars they might be, shoot out across the world and onto another thing, person, world, a girl, you have a shade of illness inside you that is instantaneously contaminating your sight.
The illness comes from your world. Not theirs. The girl is in her place by her own rights. But all of the sudden, when your eyes chance upon her(within the 2 minutes you are going to be around her) you already have opened the door to countless fantasies you hold in your minds construct(And you know there is a whole warehouse of fantasies you have, a whole countless inventory of countless prefabricated eroticies).
Snapshot, flash made into the mold of your preconceived expectations for your fantasy; in your mind possibilities are already present and drawn up, stenciled across the image viewed. Images already rolling down from your golden plated destiny that was always hoped for, and always bound for your immediate floor plans called life.
In the two minutes or less you will experience this person you entertain all sorts of ambient floating thoughts, feelings, and dreams;
but take a step to the left, a breath and consider the facts.
These feelings and thoughts….
They are all printed in jade.
False feeling fabricated from an incongruity with the substance we call actual reality. What is real.
You’re not being real with yourself.
Give yourself a chance man!!! You want to live do you not?! You want to stand where you stand, with the living earth holding your calmly truthful body to its surface, do you not? For the heart of the sun to beat on your face as fairly as it beats on all of space time, don’t you? Create truth. Don’t fetter and drown ridiculously in lies created by your own backend wondering. No one can know the future, and nobody is promised anything in this world, but that doesn’t mean you need to hold hopes of things that are going to cross what you mean* in the here and now. You’re sabotaging the most critical point in time with these false bred dreams. The world Now.
End it. End the false born fantasies. End their false futures and all their delineations of the present moment. Let them die. Let the romance die. It interferes with your interface in ways that you cannot deny. Let the romance die boy.
And when it dies, you will see your image in the mirror clearer than you ever have. You will see others in their natural state in the space time continuum, exactly how they are. Crystal clear, 40/40 vision. Somewhere down the line of barring the doors shut forever more on your trash dreams and fantasy; I can guess by now the false feelings are starting ebb, and now you can see, truley breath. That’s right!!!! Breath!!! Breath truth. Breath oxygen. Breath life the way it is truley meant to “be”. How it “is”! How you are! How they are! How everything is!!! It doesn’t glimmer in fools gold like those germy dreams you once had and held, but behold this here and now!! Look at what is shown!!! It glows with the clean godly presence of truth. And the truth that you really do own your own mind. Not a slave to something false. Always coming up short of the shoreline, forever in the salt and the infinite water of the sea, drowning constantly in the lack of a stone to put your feet. Here is the stone!!! You found it!!! Hold it to you, and never let it go. Let it expand and enrich you, let it densify and grow!!!
Personal notation of the effort of getting rid of the submersed mind mentality of sexual attraction and infatuation. You can say that you see something is what it is but the simple fact is that you might now know all of what it is. I have said before that i am “asexual”, and that i do not like girls, or romance, or even sexual relations. Bot the simple matter is that sexuality is a disease that is ingrained far deeper in the mind than i was cognizant of it existing. To cure the “disease”(which is really just a lack of understanding), i need to understanding what is happening when i let the mentality of sexual attraction take over my senses.
The note expressed here are slightly personal, and in other parts declarative. There are elements in it that hare specific to me, and then there are many other elements that can be applied to any sort of gender relation/situation that you might come across.
Healing the xxxx depression
In parts that ways I have felt wounded by sisters/bros | heal past wrongs(meditation on what you “will” forgive, “works on those wounds you saw how you inflicted” , all the while keep in mind and respect ur individuality
“Letting myself down” / experiencing failure and dropping my sight. Don’t.
Hitting on Latina’s/ not exactly being of the culture
Asia / not being of the culture
Slanderously pretty
Blue submarine attacks/sea monkey hate
Reeled in by a bad angle
And let’s be clear. I was responsible for these instances, the most personal swings of the KOTN. Probably weigh the heaviest in my conscience.
in all reality they might not be the worst things that happened in their lives…
but the point is i inflicted wounds unknowingly on reality. Ie: them.
And I am probably responsible for a whole mess of things outside my awareness. So it makes since to seek peace with these instances,… however I might. Possible in the smallest and slightest ways for sure. The first and foremost being recognition and the resolution to not do it again.
Don’t hit on Latins. “As in like them with your eyes”.
Dont hit on Asians
Be true to clothes when you see slander/Promote clothe things/Be happy with clothe.
Try to be aware of everything(as much as you can) at all times, pay respect to distance, and avoid “doing/thinking things” about other things when you do not understand fully/enough
And don’t ever get or(reiteration)give; a pull/ Attraction is a careful made choice.
Neutralizing negative attraction
Neutralize
Latin
you don’t speak Spanish
It would be hella hard for you to absorb culture
Their emotions need theirs
Dudes in their eyes
You like some of their brothers a lot
Had major teacher of Latin perspective
Asia
You would never be able to fully absorb their culture
Can’t speak their language
Dudes in their eyes
Cool brothers, want them to be well
Owe them a freaking lot for sharing their culture
Subversive elements of the negative backside of the psyche And here are those things that i can possibly feel subject to when in my emotional mood swings and dont have my screws completley in
Long hair - straight or curly
You submerse the shit out of long hair. You immediately associate girl with it, and instantly assume a downward thought of a difference of “thought/opinion” | as in the thought or opinion that “ oh, I see, this is a girl”(turning my eyes blind to how I’m generally disrespecting in my view)
I’ve seen it on guys. The change of the vision is clear. From Girl (magnets), but it’s a boy(desperately yank on the reigns of the careage), + (find some difficulty in pulling back the magnets), eventually maybe regaining control and trying to regain my composure.
Pale skin = sickness
Brown skin = jungle erotica
Naked = over-exposed/over-exposure
Dress = attention calling/gender branding
Skirt = attention slander/ gender branding
Something’s clearly wrong.
It’s definitely in the unconsciously notated particulars in my personality. I am infected with a general disease of subconsciously downward thought… in this particular trait € fact <<-- and I don’t like that. Also it’s dangerous. And probably the reason I’ve gotten so many dirty remarks from some people.
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